THE BATHTUB TEST
During
a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how they determine whether or
not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well,"
said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a
bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh,
I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because
it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No."
said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug.
Do
you want a bed near the window?" |
MONGOLIAN VD
While
visiting China, an American man is sexually
promiscuous, and doesn't use a condom at all times. A week after arriving back home in the
States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified,
he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The
man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you --- you've
contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little
about it.'
The
man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up,
Doc.' The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to
amputate your penis.'
The
man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The
doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only
choice.'
The
next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know more about the
disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely
rare disease.'
The
guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American
doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The
Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate.
Make more money that way. No need to opelate!'
'Oh,
Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,'
says the Chinese doctor. 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself! ' |
GO GIT CHA MOMMA
A
redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first
time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
The
boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I
dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what
it is'.
While
the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair
rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They
continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in
the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old
blonde woman stepped out.
The
father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son....
'Boy..................go
git cha Momma..............' |
AN ENGLISHMAN AN IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN
traditional
'Y'know'
said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.
In
Glasgow there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's.
The
Landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy four drinks
he'll buy the fifth drink for you.'
'Well',
said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the Barman there will buy you your third
drink after you buy the first two.'
'Ahhhhh,
that's nothin', me buckos', said the Irishman. 'Back home in me own Dublin, there's Ryan's
Bar.
Now,
the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks
you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you
get laid. All on the house!'
The
Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word
is true.
'Well,'
said the Englishman 'did this actually happen to you?'
'Not
to me myself, personally, no,' said the Irishman,
'...
But it did happen to me sister.' |
MAN’S BEST FRIEND
A
dog is truly a man's best friend.
If
you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put
your dog and your wife in the boot of the car
for an hour.
When
you open the boot, who is really happy to see
you?
THE FOOD OF LOVE
A
woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe
some grapefruit and coffee?'
He
declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says.
'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'
At
lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A
bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'
He
declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'
Come
dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would
you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or
tasty stir fry?'
He
declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry.'
'Well,'
she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'
|
QUASIMODO’S
REPLACEMENT
After
Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets
of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the
interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After
observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the
bell ringer's job.
The
bishop was incredulous. "You have no
arms!"
"No
matter," said the man. "Observe!"
And
he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for
Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to
strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window
to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached
the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music
they had heard only moments before. As they
silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this
man?"
"I
don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rang a bell."
WAIT!
WAIT! There's more. . .
The
following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the
unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for
the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first
man to approach him said, Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch
that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by
allowing me to replace him in this duty. The
bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to
pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,clutched at his chest, twirled
around, and died on the spot.
Two
monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to
his side.
"What
has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I
don’t know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but.( . . . Wait for it . .
.) (. . . It's worth it. . .)
"but
he's a dead ringer for his brother".
|